I Hate My Story



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“He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end.”  Ecclesiastes 3:11

Father, thank you that you have made all things beautiful in its time.  Lord, I pray for those coming to the retreat this weekend.  I pray they would forgive all that needs forgiving.  Lord, I pray for you to make beautiful the things they hate about their stories.  I pray for you to renew and restore sevenfold all things that have been stolen from them.  Make all things beautiful and set eternity in their hearts.  You know the end of the story and it is glorious.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Tears flooded my eyes.  My emotions were at war.  One fighting to save face, the other fighting to release the pain pent up inside.  Pain won over pride.   I was at a large national pro-life conference.  The beauty of speaker’s heart radiated outward.  At the age of seventy-five, she had lived a long life for the Lord full of courage, overflowing joy, tremendous heartache, and overwhelming victories.  She shared of a woman she knew who was considering abortion but choose life and how her now twenty-year-old child grew to be a lovely person on fire for the Lord—the child she considered aborting.

Although I have had much healing, these stories still stir up pain.  How I wished I had my twenty-something year old here on this earth to cherish and hold and tell her how much I love her.  How I long to embrace my daughter in heaven and be the mother I should have been to her.  As this beautiful story of victory rang in my ears and tears invaded my eyes, words I have often thought rose up capturing my attention…

I hate my story. 

I have told the Lord this before.  He is well aware.  This day he reminded me of this place in my heart and His plan of redemption for it.

As if hearing the story at the conference of someone making a good choice wasn’t enough to get my attention, the Lord then gave me a word.  This beautiful 75-year-old lady had words she had written down for us.  She had prayed over these words and believed the Lord would use these words to speak to us.  One by one we went up to receive our words.

Three other Deeper Still team members were present and went up to receive their words as well.  Afterwards, filled with expectation, we opened our words to share with each other.  Their words were wonderful!

Unique.  Inspirational.  Abundance.

What great words!  Then I opened mine.


What?  What does that mean?  I searched my heart.  Do I need to forgive someone?  No one was coming to mind.  I didn’t like my word.

Again the Lord reminded of my thoughts.

“I hate my story”.

Forgive.  But Lord I have forgiven myself.

Forgive Me.

But Lord we’ve been through all this before.  First of all, you are God, there is nothing to forgive.  This was my choice.  I use to wonder why you didn’t intervene, but now I see you tried but my mind was made up.  You won’t interfere with free will.  So there is nothing to forgive you for.

Inwardly struggling, I ask the Lord for clarification.

It came.

Forgive Me.  Completely forgive me.  Trust me fully. There is a part of you who still questions my goodness because You question my faithfulness.  You question if my plan for you is always and completely good.  Do you trust the Author?  Do you trust Me to make all things beautiful in its time?  I am flawless.  I am good.  I am never failing.  I never make mistakes.  But if you think I made a mistake in the past, it will cause you to question my goodness.  You will question my faithfulness.  You will doubt in my provision.  This is why the word Forgive.  This is why.  My beloved daughter, I need you to trust me.  Trust me in the process.  Trust in my timing. Trust me to do above and beyond anything you can ask, think or imagine.  Trust that the story I am writing has an ending full of glory. 

The best stories never stop in the middle.  If you were to stop some of the classic best stories of all time in the middle, those stories would no longer be classics. Instead, their destination would be the thrift store in VHS form collecting dust (and if you don’t know what a VHS is, that is exactly my point).

I am asking the Lord to help me fall in love with my story because although the ending hasn’t been revealed, I know the ending is epic because I know the Author and He is an excellent Author.

The same is true for you.  Perhaps like me, you have thought how you wished your story was different.  That is ok.  Regret is not bad when it leads us to the Cross of repentance and the nail pierced feet of Jesus Christ.  But He is the great redeemer.  He turns our mess into our message.  He turns all things the enemy meant for evil and uses them for good.  Will you believe with me today that the best is coming, that the end of the story is glorious?  We don’t want to close this book before we finish.  We need to finish to reach the best part of the story.  Keep walking with Him my friend, trusting in the Author.  The best is yet to come.  Lord help us fall in love with the Author and the story knowing the story He is writing is amazing.

Your abortion doesn’t have to define you.

It’s time to find the freedom you deserve.